Recently
Amy and I had the opportunity to go on opening night to “Significant Other”
at the Lyric Arts Theatre in Anoka. We were fortunate to get tickets, and found
ourselves with good seats in that beautiful theater.
I had never heard of the play, but am so glad that the Lyric shared it. Significant Other was written by Joshua Harmon. The play chronicles the lives of four single, friends in their twenties who are searching for significant relationships in 21st century New York City. The play centers around a character named Jordan. A gay man—he was part of a friend network with three others who were all single women. Alll four of them wanted to be married.
In one early scene Jordan and Laura (one of the single women) talk about what it would like to be married to each other. Each was not confident that they would get married, so they explored what it would be like if they were married. Would they adopt, how would they do money, what would their marriage be like, would they have sex?” The idea of a platonic marriage never would have been a though a hundred years ago. But Millennials are getting married at a much lower rate than previous generations. The meaning of marriage is changing.
We see Jordan’s desire to get married, and the attempts by him to be in relationship. When he meets another man at work, Jordan goes into a panic about what to do. Do I call him? What does this text mean? What should I do now? All of these questions he shared with Laura and the other two women. I felt like I was back in junior high—it was called junior high then—agonizing over every part of an interaction with a person with whom I was interested. Jordan didn’t do well in getting to know this other man. Nothing much happened after a first date.
Each of the three women eventually find partners, and Jordan finds himself alone. He didn’t respond well to this. He couldn’t get out of his own situation to be happy for his friends. In talking about her wedding with Laura, Jordan—was—a—jerk. His anger about being single overwhelmed him and his horrible conversation with Laura.
Jordan wasn’t living the life he wanted. Playwright Joshua Harmon shared shared what he was trying to accomplish in the play by saying, “How do you make life work for yourself when you feel that you’re not living the life you’re supposed to be living or want to be living? And how do you deal with that when the changes that you need to make are in some ways outside of your control?”
To me the star of the show was Jordan’s grandmother. Each time they saw each other she would ask him, “How’s your social life?” Jordan would share that it wasn’t going well. After Laura got married, he shared his fear that he would be single all of this life.
That moment brought me back to my coming to terms with being single. In my early thirties I went through a period of having no dates. This was long before the personals. I was working sixty hours a week in a small town, with little time to date, and not idea how to find someone who could be interesting. I complained to some of my friends about my own predicament. I talked to God about this almost every day. Finally I came to terms that I wasn’t going to let my lack of a partner define my identity. “I just might be a single person,” I told myself.
Jordan couldn’t get to that point.
His grandmother grounded him by sharing that life is a big book. He was in a chapter right now of being single. This chapter seemed like a long chapter and seemed like it was going on for a very long time; however it was only one chapter. He needed to see the entire book, and he needed to be patient that this chapter would end.
Brilliant!
Out of the blue I met my wife Amy. It was something that just happened. It was the best moment of my life. But I didn’t meet her until I had come to terms with being single.
Each of us are always wrestling with our identity. Who am I? Who am I as a partner, parent, child. Who will I be in my work, participation in the wider community. Who am I in relationship to God?
Jordan’s
wrestling with his own identity revealed the wider identity questions we all
face. The play is worth seeing. It might lead to a person questioning or coming
to terms with part of the “Who am I” questions that each of us face.